I am reading a really good book right now about co-dependency.
I never knew before that I am incredibly co-dependent. But it explains a whole lot of stuff.
One of the many things this book talks about is "acceptance." Accepting reality. Which is something I've always had trouble with. I always want things to be the way I want them to be, instead of accepting the way they actually are.
Last summer, for example, I turned 60 years old, and I've had a pretty hard time accepting it. Understanding it. Dealing with it.
Like so many others say: What the hell happened? Where did the time go?
I want to back up some and try again. I really do.
It is truly difficult for me to believe that I am 60 years old.
I don't feel old -- most of the time.
I don't look old, although my hair is really gray, and I'm 30 pounds overweight. But 60 is fucking old, man (excuse my language, please). In nine-and-a-half more years, I'll be 70!
My days are getting truly numbered, and the numbers are growing smaller and smaller ...
I have a very active imagination -- curse of a creative mind? -- and I project a lot of times into the future, imagining myself being gone from this Earth. The idea is really sad to me.
I don't wanna go.
I like it here -- it's a nice place, in spite of all the bad stuff.
eIn the weekly therapy sessions I am doing, spirituality is something my counselor is having me consider.
Sometimes, when one is reluctant to believe in, rely on, trust, etc., a higher power, it can be due to confusion between "God, the Father," and one's earthly father. Conflicts with dad can produce conflicts with God, whoever or whatever that concept may be.
For me, that could indeed be the case, or at least a part of the problem. I've been exposed to so much contradictory information throughout my life that my spiritual beliefs are mostly a big mess.
Just the other day, I came across a copy of the Bible's New Testament. A little miniature copy. I've been planning to ready the entire Bible, just to see what happens. Maybe I'll have some sort of spiritual awakening.
Well, hell -- no pun intended -- I couldn't get past the first pages of Matthew, where it talks about all the ancestors of Jesus.
Ancestors of Jesus?
So Jesus had brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, all that?
But wait a minute ...
Jesus is really God, right? In human form, sent to Earth to save poor, pitiful, sinful mankind. So that means that God has brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, all that? Huh?
See what I mean?
I saw an excellent cartoon the other day -- Jesus was knocking at someone's door. The people inside asked what he wanted. Jesus said:
"To come inside."
"To save you."
"Save us from what?"
"From what is going to happen to you, if you don't let me in."
That illustrates pretty damn well the fundamental problem I have with Christianity, which is the only major religion I've ever really been exposed to. The whole Jesus story makes no sense to me. If such a thing is God's plan, as so many Christians say, it's a damn strange plan.
Recently, I was pleased and proud to be able to guest post on a terrific blog site about depression run by a guy named Bill White. The site is http://chipur.com/, and if you're interested in such things, do yourself a favor and go check it out.
Depression has been a part of my life for always and forever. Since I was born, I guess.
Born with depression? Maybe. Who knows? I doubt it, but anything's possible, isn't it? I am, however, definitely a product of depression, and raised by people with depression running all through their veins. It absolutely runs in the family, and my dad is the worst case I know about.
I've tried all kinds of things over the years to deal with it: counseling, prescribed medication, unprescribed medication, hypnosis, Reiki, acupuncture, alternative medicine, massage therapy, booze. The list goes on ...
Nothing really worked for the long-term. I think because all those things I've tried are mostly Band-Aid solutions. None of that was getting to the heart of the matter. A few months ago, though, on the recommendation of a holistic healer I decided to see to try and deal with my stress issues, I started visiting a counselor once a week, and I think I may be onto something this time.
I'm learning quite a bit about my crazy brain, and why I think the way I do, and react to situations the way I do (abnormally). It all goes back to childhood hurts and slights and scars that have never really healed. And they never really will go away, but I can learn to recognize how those things affect me even today, and how to better manage them.
Depression is definitely part of my problem(s), but being raised in a depressive environment, by two damaged people with limited emotional resources and understanding, is the bigger issue with me, I'm finding out. It wasn't their fault. They just didn't know any better.
If you think you might have depression, or know someone who does, go check out Bill White's blog (http://chipur.com/), and check out my book, "Depression Blues," by clicking the My Books tab at the top of the page.
Ciao, y'all ...